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Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Humor: Light Summer Snack (Creepy Alert! Nasty! Not Recommended for Sane People)

Summer: 
   
Last night I went outside to enjoy the night air which was a lot like being slapped with a hefty slice of bologna that had laid in the floor after a bloated dog licked it and walked away.

     I saw the familiar site of a small green blinking light. A few blinks, and it hesitated then a few more, and I smiled at childhood memories of catching fireflies. They are all too few now. I scurried off to get my camera wondering if I could catch that little green light against the darkness. It was still there when I returned...almost exactly there. I recorded video for a few seconds. It went up slightly, dropped slightly and blinked off and on.

 I sank heavily when it occurred to me it was trapped in a web, and the quote "What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly," circa Morticia Addams came to mind. I sighed and wondered if some spider's tummy would be blinking after consuming it's catch. There are times when the words, "Courageous" and "Foolhardy" are interchangeable, and this seemed as good a time as any. 

    I raised the flash, aimed into the blackness, waited for the tiny green light to blink, I clicked, and the flash went off. For a fraction of a second I saw what I can only describe as the ugliest arachnid I've ever had the chance to view. I'm not talking horrifying. The guy was just hard to love. 

   Not even if he were ingenuitive enough to turn the firefly around and use it as a flashlight....You couldn't even have dunked this guy in Aramis and made him pretty. No. It was that bad. Obviously, the poor bastard had been working out. He looked like a plucked Autumn Turkey but with no legs, rather 8 short, bony wing-like appendages. It labored furiously wrapping it's prey while the little light went off and on. I hoped he wasn't scared.


  I headed inside, and looked at my camera screen in confusion. What does the spider do when blinded, because the light suddenly goes off? Feel it's way around in the dark! That's what! Tormented by this firefly that keeps flicking the switch. Rude, I tell you! And you know that firefly was laughing it's glow-in-the-dark butt off! Off all the thoughtless.....That Turkey spider was  NOT going to feed himself out of thin air. I wondered if he freaked when the lighting bug wiggled. I felt so bad for him that I thought about shooting them both with bug spray just to end it all, but he was so freaking huge, one fall and he'd have taken that corner of my porch off. 

   No, I just let them be, as disappointing as it was, and I wont be posting a photo. It's still ages, before turkey season, and I don't want to get the stuffing vs.dressing people all worked up. 
mmmm Sage... :)

tina jones

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Sentences that End in Lilts and Other Mysteries

I'm not sure why leaving my house should turn into a neighborhood event, but it does every Spring. Oh, I leave my house all of the time, but once the weather warms, the locals become restless, and begin to socialize the unsuspecting.

"It begs the question." What an annoying cliche (as if one were more annoying than the next).

I'm bothered by statements that end in a lilt. She was one of three neighbors that descended on me yesterday. All nice people, and I, mid conversation with a guy with a tow truck, had been "rescued" inadvertently by local, kind, Elderly Guy on Wheels who'd gotten local, Kind Elderly Lady who was busy overseeing what tow truck guy was doing to my battery...(Yeah, let's breathe a second.) I only mention, "Elderly, because it makes me, at merely pushing 50, feel more useless than usual. Then again, I've never felt, "Usual."

  The Lady with the lilt at the end of her sentence said, "We never see you out?"She'd pulled her car over and lilted over the top of her sleeping daughter at me. I was really quite occupied, but I stopped for the lilt that, to be fair, had come after her clearing fence repair with me, and I didn't mind they needed to be on my property of course, but then I got the lilt. "Good!" I thought. My plan to not be seen is working! I really don't care about being seen, but they seem to have a curious habit of connecting the seeing with the talking.  Still, I recognized the lilt as a cue to that dark, dreadful social, "Norm" called, "Small talk."

Now, the next morning, I realize this should have been interpreted as, "I'm hoping you'll babysit my kid." as she came last year asking if  her daughter might play with my "little children," but she'd mistaken my grandchildren for my own, and didn't succeed in sending her child in my direction then. Not realizing it, I was still stuck with, "The lilt."  I was on the spot. Three neighbors plus Tow Truck Guy waited. I was supposed to give her an excuse for not being seen that was overtly friendly rather than honest, so I said, "Well I have a weird neighbor (I managed not to add, "Not unlike yourself"), and if I go out, she shows up." She answered, "Oh, I'll bet I know who it is." Which is the same thing she'll say about me to the next person she lilts at, but I had a car to deal with. 

   She left, and for reasons unknown to me, I ended up hugging nice elderly guy on wheels. I told him I had to go with the tow guy and pay him. He asked what I was going to pay him for getting help. I said, "I already hugged you." He said, "Well, it has been a while," and I answered, "I could do a little dance," whereupon I commenced to, "Shake it" in the middle of the street. 

  After getting a laugh out of the locals, I shook kind elderly lady's hand and crawled in tow truck guy's vehicle. It all ended with me escaping down the road to be deposited at an auto parts store where I procured a new battery, did some shopping and came back home, getting in my house without being seen? (<---Lilt)

   I think that qualifies as my socializing for the year. I'm spent.

tina (mysteriously unseen) jones

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Flat Romance: Humor for Single Women

From time to time, I get a little nostalgic. I have some lady friends who feel it sometimes too. 
I thought it might be time to revisit the ghost of romance past, just to freshen my memory. I also thought it would be a fun idea to do it loosely to the tune of, Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance." <--link

 Sing-A-Long! :) (I'm just enjoying (haha!) the memories. For those who want reminded why we're single. Oh, and I can't sing.) Hit it!


FLAT ROMANCE

Whoah, oh oh oh oh oooh ..... Oh oh oh oh.. oh oh ohhhh,

 Caught in a flat romance! (repeat)

He wants my house.
...would like my car keys.
He'll take anything, as long as it free. 
He just wants hugs. (what?)
O.k. and way too many drugs...(Uuugh)

I know that he likes golf......
and remote controls
Recliners....
strange magazines in the stall.
He wants more cash.....
Oh hell, now he's stole my stash!.

(Bridge)
Needs understanding,
can't hit the pot when he pees...
He'd like some wings. (Yeah, yeah, yeah! Hot Wings!).

(Crank it up, and break into Dance!)
Insults my jeans, and he can't button his pants!
I don't need another flat romance! (Whoa oh oh oh oooh!)
Farts are the only time that I see him dance!
I don't need another Sap romance!
(Blah, duh, blah, duh, blah, duh.... Blah, duh, blah, duh, blah duh, blah).....
Lock the door now! (Blah, duh, blah, duh, blah...)
Lock the door now, (quieter) now, now, now.....

You're welcome! <3
tina jones ;)

Monday, December 30, 2013

Sports vs. Soap Operas: Same Thing, Different Team

I'm not seeing a fundamental difference between men who watch sports and women who watch soap operas. I've done both, and I'm done with both. I did the soaps for a year or two early in life, but my reaction was to get so bored that it motivated me to shut the tv off, and put it in a closet. I've watched sports, because it was there (and I couldn't escape).

    Men get emo one way or the other regardless of the outcome of the game. It's tragic. Women do the same thing with Soap, "stories." If the "team" loses, the guy, (basically) cries (mopes). If the team wins, the man gets um..."amorous."

    In the Soap opera scenario, if the actress has to have her third ovary removed, the woman watching falls apart.  If the woman's "team" (the never ending gag, I mean "luv," until they die multiple times, and you suffer indigestion) wins, she gets affectionate. 

   I just don't see the difference. ....
   Point? Next time your guy is suffering a, "Spell," because his Soap opera star got his second case of amnesia this week....I mean *his "team" didn't win, maybe it will make more sense. 

That is all, and you're welcome. Grins!

tina jones

Monday, December 23, 2013

Blog Recommendation on How to Love an Introvert

I just came across a blog called, "Wealthy and Loved" that beautifully written. I'd like to direct you to a specific post called, "10 Ways to Love an Introvert" 
http://wealthyandloved.com/2012/08/08/how-to-love-an-introvert/


   I'd add to number 5 that it's our responsibility as introverts to ask for what we want and need, as difficult as the practice may be, it's well worth the effort. Sometimes those needs and desires do get heard and met.

    When we do ask, we've thought about it thoroughly, and it's meaningful. Well meaning extroverts may respond too quickly, and (seemingly) flippantly dismiss requests without realizing we've just bared our souls. They're not being cruel. They are used to dealing with other extroverts, and you're new to them. Their mode of communication gives a lot of information to be sifted for priorities. To extroverts, talking (including networking) may be for pleasure, and they may ask ten things only hoping for one which may or may not be essential.
 
  The introvert's requests may be only essentials.This calls for courage in vulnerability (and it takes more strength than many currently have. It's worth building through practice!). I rarely request, because most of the time, it is less stressful to me to handle things alone. It's not, however that another couldn't do the job just as well, if not better, and I have no fear of rejection. (If rejected, it simply means I get to do it on my own without the hassle.) Only when I'm against a wall, I ask three times to give them time to realize a thing is very important to me. Those who can understand and care will hear. If not, then yes, I simply walk away in peace wishing them well.

  There are many beautiful points in this blog, and for those who love an introvert, they'll be invaluable.
http://wealthyandloved.com/2012/08/08/how-to-love-an-introvert/

Best wishes,
tina jones.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Home Made Body Wash Hand Soap (Go Check Her Blog!)

Super Frugal and Wicked Fun! :)

  I found a blog with the most fun DIY tips. One of these was making homemade body wash or hand soap. 

   The author, used Ivory soap, but my skin doesn't like Ivory (It burns/dries too much). I'd bought a $1 bar of Tone at a Dollar Tree months ago, and decided the play time alone was worth giving it a go. My recipe turned out differently from the original, in that I only used 1 bar of soap and 6 cups of water. She used three bars of soap to 6 cups of water. Mine came out thick and creamy though. It may be because I used a different soap.

See the original, posted by HelperJen at "Cuckoo for Coupon Deals."
here: http://www.cuckooforcoupondeals.com/training/how-to-make-hand-soap-body-wash-easy/

 Want to follow me along? 


First I puffed up my soap. As in HelperJen's instructions, I cut my bar of soap into chunks on a plate, and microwaved on High for about 80 seconds. This is what it looked like coming out of the microwave.


The puffed pieces were very soft while warm and I tried cutting them,


but I found it was just as easy as pulling apart a biscuit with my hands. It even resembles a fluffy biscuit or bread roll.


Beginning with her original measurements, I only put 2 cups of water in with my soap pieces. I didn't grate mine as with the original recipe.


I brought this to a boil, and turned the heat down to simmer, stirring occasionally.

After about 30 minutes most of the pieces of soap were melted into the water. It was thin at this point.


To incorporate the rest of the pieces that weren't yet melted, I used a stick blender, and allowed the mix to cool.


It thickened up so much that I began adding more water one cup at a time. Now, your soap may differ. (I'd add one cup at a time, let cool, and see how thick it gets) HelperJan used a total of 6 cups water to 3 bars of soap.


I ended up adding the same 6 cups of water, but to only my 1 bar of soap, just stirring it in the now slightly warm mixture. (I wish I'd have followed her direction for a 4 quart saucepan, as this filled my little 2 quart.


I gathered every saved  pump dispenser I had, and using a large funnel and a ladle began filling them. (I'm messy. Hush! ;) ) 


Again, this made a thick, creamy hand soap. This funnel has a larger opening, and I had to tap it a few times to get the soap to flow faster into the bottles.




At end, my $1 bar of soap netted me 5 bottles of hand or body soap!
Three of these bottles are 8oz, and two are 12oz. Had they all been 8oz, I'd have gotten six bottles!



I ended with about 1 tablespoon leftover and had a very, very decadent handwashing! :) (Wish I'd been closer to the shower at the time!)

Time taken: About 1 1/2hrs of Fun. :) 
Cost for each bottle: 20 cents!

tina jones







Friday, October 11, 2013

I Never Argue With Your Zodiac Sign: Humor

I'm a Leo, and as any Leo worth their Solar Flares and hairball problems, we know, we are often total screw ups. I know my shortcomings and strengths, and for that reason, I do not argue with any sign...EVER




Reasons I Never Argue with Your Sign:

Aries: It doesn't matter what the argument is about. You will win. The rest of us are simultaneously annoyed and comforted by that fact. Stop grinning!

Taurus: It doesn't matter if you're right or some other way of being right. You keep being Venus incarnate, and we'll keep agreeing with you.

Gemini: You'll prove it's this way, while being emphatically convinced it's another. You do not need my participation. You're simply more fun to watch, and so are you. :)

Cancer: You'll cry, and for God's sake, never make a Cancer cry! That's just mean. You bastards!

Leo: Please, We all know you're at center stage, and as freaked out by that fact as I am. Go talk to Cancer. They'll hold you.

Virgo: You're too damned beautiful. There, I said it. It doesn't matter if you're male or female. We know  you're worried, have a lot on your mind, and we should really listen to what you say, because you're smart, but we love gazing at you so much that we insist you win every argument. That way, we can keep looking at you.

Libra: What are you, like Leo-light? You're exactly like Leos (Love your hair!), but you're nicer about it, unless you're going for bloodshed. No one needs that. Nice sofa cushions, by the way. Need a hug? I have cash. Seriously, don't hurt me. :)

Scorpio: You have too much dirt on the rest of us. No way are we going to even try it! (Passing Scorpio some cupcakes to keep quiet.)

Sagittarius: Two words, "Dance Off!" You will win. There is no point in wondering, no point in competing. Besides, they are too fun and entertaining for Leos to miss....especially from behind.

Capricorn: You know what we all did last summer and every fiscal year since your birth. Plus they're patient enough to become an IRS agent, a Dominatrix and a Jenga master! Don't mess with these people!

Aquarius: When you look at the world, you see a bunch of goofball Leos, and I'm sorry, because you're right. You have ideas and solutions the rest of us need. Arguing would be a waste of my time and humanity's time, and Leos could get splashed. That would be all kinds of wrong.

Pisces: I'm not sure you can even hear me from your depth and heights. You can't argue with a fantasy or a mirage. You are the most illusive, slippery little fishies in the Zodiac. Great fun for Leos to play with, but one tail smack from you, and we're so confused, we lose, but do it again anyway. :)

tina jones